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Jul 6, 2012 calabrese.lauren | Uncategorized

Today was a great day.  I went to work from 8-3, went to the bank, went to a doctor’s appointment, and then met my mom for a quick chat at the mall, and then met up with my friend for dinner and a movie, and now I’m waiting for my boy to call me.  This has been a grand day.

Ever wake up in a pissed off mood, but then everything seems to be going so well it snaps you out of it? Well, that is what happened to me today.  It was a grand day.  No complaints from this corner.  I hope your corner is going just as perfectly.


Bipolar Disorder

Jul 5, 2012 calabrese.lauren | Uncategorized

I have not updated my blog in years.  I would like to try and start getting back into the swing of things.  For starters, I would like to discuss my biggest news.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, specifically Manic-Depressive.  It has been a lot to handle, but more in a positive way.  I have learned more about myself in the past year and half than I ever had in my life.  This explains a lot of my fucked-up history.

Bipolar is hard when sober, imagine having the disorder off medication, intoxicated?  Before I was diagnosed, I got completely wasted with my supervisor and his friends.  My supervisor and I had feelings for each other, more lust than anything serious.  Well, I knew it was wrong to be with him, even drunk.  I tried to run far away to my car which was miles away.  I ran down the middle of the street with an on-comming car in tow.  My supervisor pushed me into a ditch so I would not get run over.  The car was none other than a police car.  One cop kept asking me if I was okay and if he was hurting me.  The other cop was questioning my supervisor.  I kept laughing, while he was getting severely pissed off.

I was crying in the bathroom one night, sober, to the point of yelling on top of my lungs while in the shower.  I thought I could not handle life.  I downed over 20 pills.  I went to work the next day (somehow) and went home early because I felt sick.  Later, I felt guilty and cut my arms up.

There was one instance after being diagnosed of trying to commit suicide and then having to be hospitalized for over a week.  It was horrible.  That is the only word to describe it.  Horrible. 

Fortunately, I have had great support through my family and boyfriend to make it through. I now have held a job (the same job for two in a half years), hold a dual degree in Psychology and English, attend regular yoga classes, have supportive parents and a supportive boyfriend, and plan on going back to school to obtain a Master’s degree in Psychology. 

I will most likely write more on this subject in the near future…if nothing but to vent out my past and current frustrations and even the good side where my life is overall improving for the better


Truth Be Told

Aug 7, 2009 calabrese.lauren | Uncategorized

Without truth trust is not grown. Trust is earned, not easily provided.  Trust can bring unimaginable pleasure, but it can also lead to ultimate devestation.  Truth can hold one’s being.  It can hold secrets, lies, responsibilities, stories, experiences, and so much more.  People can steal, cheat, and lie, but they can never take away one’s honesty…one’s truth.

The truth may be difficult to hear or understand; however, one now knows a knowlegable fact that perhaps one can learn from.  The truth is usually not just in black and white, typically it falls in the grey area.  One may not know what the truth and/or what the lie(s) is.  The truth can sometimes be ignored, cried upon, beaten on, forgotten, or lost down upon generations which creates theories and rumors.  What happens then? The truth that once existed has now died.  Like humans and animals the truth eventually dies whether it dies with one person or many.  The truth can only take so much abuse.  Like a fly it gets swatted, ignored, and is a potential victim of “attempted murder”.  When one holds such important information whether good or hard to hear and they suddenly pass away, the truth has vanished with that one person.  This makes the information more vital than before and by then the information can never be retrieved.  People do not necessarily have to tell others verbally what the truth is in life.  The real repsonsiblity is to somehow communicate in some fashion so it stays alive.  Pick up a pen-text-tweet-call-tell a middle person-write-blog it! Anything to keep the truth available.

Now…what is your truth?


Aug 7, 2009 calabrese.lauren | Uncategorized

So what is it? Is it an emotion, something that you just do, or is it the same definition as hate?   A lot of people use the expression, “love is love”, but what in hell does that actually mean? Love is not love…love is at the very least something.  People have many definitions, but according to Dictionary.com it has 14 definitions including:

 noun, verb, loved, loving.–noun (1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person (2)  a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend (3) sexual passion or desire (4) a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart (5) (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?  (6)  love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour (7) sexual intercourse; copulation (8) (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid (9) affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one’s neighbor (10) strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books(11) the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love (12) the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God (13) Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing (14) a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

So what exactly is love?  I would argue that love is the unexplainable and often gets intertwined with the emotion of hatred.  Love is not a two-way street always, sometimes it is one-sided (which is sometimes unfortunate).  It is invisable. It can be reversable, and if love stops suddenly it can leave nasty side effects such as sadness, emptiness, and loneliness.  Basically, not any of the fun stuff.  Lastly, love is better to be experienced than to have never felt at all.    

“L Word”

Aug 2, 2009 calabrese.lauren | Uncategorized

Love Lust Laugh Linger Lava Listen Leave Leech Liquoir Lively Life Live Lime Limo Lesbian Lingo Lost Lonliness Lovable Lush Lashes Lucrative Luminous Lamitical Look Loop Let Limb Lump Lamp Land Last Lay Lap Law Lawn Lazy Lucky Likely Lips Louge Lounge Leak Lake Low Lacis Lackaday Lanai Logia(Lacis-network    Lackaday-expression of regret/deprecation Lanai-Private balcony in a hotel room Logia-collection of sayings).  These are the favorite things, favorite expressions, favorite feelings, favorite places of the “L Gurl”  

Sometimes words are not enough to described someone while other times there are too many words to begin to describe that one person.  Describing one person is hard enough as it is whether it is one’s mother, father, stepmother, stepfather, sister, brother, stepbrother, stepsister, half sister, half brother, adopted brother, adopted sister, grandma, grandpa, step-grandma, step-grandpa, aunt, uncle, step-aunt, step-uncle, cousin(s), step-cousin(s), husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, ex-wife, ex-husband, crush, ex-crush, partner, friend, ex-friend.  What could possibly be tougher than to fully, completely, and 100% accurately describe that one person?  How about the relationship one has with that person?  The two responses could be vaguely similar, but could be completely different!  How does one truly feel about that other person whom they care about?  Is it what I ask myself lately and through much searching and scoping I realized there are so many words I have never heard of.  Is it because of today’s education or is because I do not read the “hard books?”  Or is it the expression, “Well, you are not a genius!”  I think not.  One needs to be truely engaged in themselves, not through feelings or how they “think” they express their emotions.  The general public needs to learn, become experienced with specific words in order to get their point across accurately instead of just wanting to sound smart.  People need to learn.  People need to want to learn.  Lastly, people need to not be lazy.  Unfortunatly in today’s society these are the three basic needs of history that are long, lost, and forgotten.  How then do people recognize relationships? How do people describe their relationships?  There are many environmental factors that include: media, peers, friends, and family.  If it were not for all four factors would it change how people feel?  If it would, what would be different and would it be different for the better?  Maybe to improve today’s society all one needs to do is learn new words in order to learn new emotions, new people, and true feelings, and how to correctly identify those feelings in order for one to understand one’s “everyday, common relationship.”   



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